January Rain
by cheergirlejami
Summary: A different take on the Sydney story. What if Sami had lost Grace before she returned to Salem? How would she deal with the loss of her child and will she be able to tell EJ what has happened?
1. Chapter 1

**January Rain**

_Author's note: This is a different take on the entire Sydney baby switch, something that might have happened if Sami had lost Grace before she returned to Salem. _

Sheets of rain were falling all around her, although the severity of the weather didn't seem to faze her at all. She felt rooted to the spot, unable to move from her lonely position beside the tiny gravesite.

How could she go away from here? How could she leave her baby all alone? It was cold and rainy and no doubt before long the rain would turn to sleet and snow if the temperatures kept falling. Even though if that occurred, it couldn't match the iciness her entire being felt at the present moment.

It had been bad enough that there had only been a handful of people to attend the funeral of her child. The members of the funeral party consisted of only Father Tobias, Sister Teresa O'Malley, Rafe and herself. The elderly priest and Sister Teresa had finally left even though they had asked her to go with them which she had promptly refused. Now it was just her and Rafe standing there together in the pouring rain.

"Sami, we need to go. You'll get sick if you keep standing out here in the rain."

Rafe urged her to go, but didn't he realize she couldn't leave her baby, not when the heavens had opened up and poured the rain down upon the ground. Surely the angels were crying for her precious baby even if they were probably not shedding any tears for her.

She didn't deserve tears, too many memories swirled viciously around in her mind, reminding her of past sins she had committed. She wasn't an innocent, far from it and this was a harsh reminder of that very fact.

She moved away from the meager shelter the black umbrella had provided for her. It didn't matter to her that she was soaking wet and she cared even less if she caught a cold.

A cold could never compare to the coldness that had seeped into her heart when her baby Grace had died.

That sweet innocent baby had done no harm to anyone and yet God had seen fit to take her from her.

Then the realization hit her, not only was Grace taken from her, Grace was also taken from EJ.

He wasn't even here to bury his child. Hell he hadn't even known she was pregnant, much less lost their child, their beautiful baby girl that would have been their second child together.

What kind of woman didn't tell the man who had been such a huge part of her life she was carrying his child?

She guessed a woman who had been scared for her life and more than a bit hurt that he had slept with another woman and gotten her pregnant as well within a few shorts weeks of each other. The anger at him was also another point for her when she had seen him cavorting with that tramp Nicole whom she hated still to this very day.

Yes hatred and more than a tad bit of jealousy although she'd never admit it to that arrogant son of a bitch. Then she stopped herself before the rage could overcome her, this wasn't a place for rage and hatred for EJ.

She knew it wasn't fair for her to be mad at EJ anyway when she considered what his wrath would be toward her if he ever found out about her deception.

No, this was a place for sorrow. A sorrow that had been growing exponentially since the moment Dr. Baker had broken the news to her that her baby had died within a few short minutes of her arrival into this world.

One moment she had held her in her arms, the next the nurse and Dr. Baker had rushed Grace from the room and when they returned her worst nightmare had come to fruition.

"Sami, please come on," Rafe tugged on her again, this time more insistently even though she shrugged him off.

"You can go if you want, but I'm staying," she stood there stock still, the rain running down her face mingling with her tears.

"No, I'll stay," Rafe answered although Sami acted like he hadn't said anything at all.

It didn't matter to her whether Rafe stayed or went. Her brief dalliance of feelings for him had extinguished too as she had tried her best to shut off her emotions over the past few days.

Something deep inside of her insisted if she wanted to survive there would be no room in her heart for anyone beyond her remaining children. Hadn't it be proven to her time after time that men only wanted things she clearly wasn't capable of giving?

No her poor choices of men were painstakingly clear, she only brought heartache and despair wherever she went and she was tired of playing the game. She didn't even want Rafe here with her. Why wouldn't he just go away and leave her alone?

She was alone in this sorrow, Rafe was not the father to this child EJ DiMera was and there was no way she could tell EJ about this tragedy. She knew how he felt about family and this would be something he would never forgive her for keeping from him.

She didn't deserve forgiveness. From where she stood she knew she didn't deserve anything at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**January Rain**

**Chapter 2**

Rafe watched Sami stand alone as he slowly realized she wasn't going to allow him the grand gesture of helping her in any way, shape or form. He sighed wishing there was some way to ease her misery, but really what could he do for her now? He had no idea about the feeling of loss of a child beyond his experience of helping his mother with his younger siblings while they were growing up. Not being a father himself he was out of his depth in relating to what exactly was going on in Sami's mind at the moment.

While he had thought they were growing closer as soon as Sami had lost the baby she had shut herself completely off from him. It was like a curtain had fallen on her feelings, especially for him.

He shook his head, instantly feeling guilty for trying to make this be about him when Sami had lost a child. He guessed for all her claims of not caring for DiMera that she had loved her child with the man.

Once again his hatred rose for the DiMera family they had destroyed so many lives without a single thought to anyone beyond their sacred family. He supposed they didn't even think about peons or what they thought were people of lower station than them.

He had taken this job gladly to safe guard Sami Brady when the opportunity arose because he had wanted to take down the DiMera family piece by piece, yet as he looked over to the rain-soaked woman that stood in the distance away from him somehow his plan for revenge against the DiMera's seemed like a fool's errand.

How would he ever gain Sami's trust again when he hadn't been there to protect her when she had gone into labor? While she hadn't said anything to him to blame him, he felt he had let her down miserably.

What had gone so wrong? Sami losing the baby hadn't been part of his plan to avenge the wrongs the DiMera's had done to his own family, yet somehow he'd find a way to turn this into a positive to continue his quest to take down the family who had destroyed his bit by bit.

He'd make the DiMera's pay no matter what and he'd find a way for Sami to believe in him again. He just had to because all DiMera's deserved to be taken down from their high and mighty pedestal they had placed themselves upon.

Stefano DiMera and all of his offspring would one day see what it was like to endure loss and heartache. The entire lot of them deserved nothing short of misery and suffering and if it was the last thing he did on earth he was determined to make that happen.

The DiMera's were going down and that woman standing there a few feet away from him was an important part of that takedown.

She just didn't know it yet.


	3. Chapter 3

**January Rain  
Chapter 3**

When EJ looked upon the sweet innocent face of his newly born daughter Sydney, he felt a peace come over him that had been absent for such a long time. While he didn't want to admit it and wouldn't to anyone especially Nicole he hadn't experienced this type of serenity since before Samantha had left for the witness protection program.

Seeing his daughter's eyes trying to focus on him and knowing that he would be responsible for taking care of her was everything to him, along with taking care of his son Johnny. He knew without a doubt that he loved his children more than anything. It was an emotion that had been completely foreign to him until the moment Samantha had placed Johnny in his arms.

Memories of that day washed over him and now intertwined with these new feelings of love for the precious bundle of joy that now resided in his arms. It was almost as if he were transported back in time to when he had tried so desperately to win Samantha's love yet he had been totally unsuccessful in that quest.

Why was he thinking of Samantha in this moment while he held the child of another woman within his arms? It wasn't fair to Nicole for him to betray her emotionally, but tried as he might he was unable to remove Samantha from his daily thoughts and the nights were even worse. For at night that was when Samantha was truly his in his dreams.

How could he be dreaming of one woman while he was engaged to another one? He knew he wasn't a good man because Nicole deserved his devotion; she was the one who claimed to love him. Nicole was here with him, but it was so damn hard to erase Samantha from his heart. He had been trying to do so for months on end, even going as far as to ask her father Roman call Samantha on a secure line. EJ had requested such a thing from Roman where he could tell Samantha he was moving on with his life with Nicole, for them to both have closure on their relationship or at least closure on his part. As for Samantha he wasn't even sure if she had ever been invested enough for his moving on speech to have been anything more than a statement from him.

Their son Johnny was a constant reminder of her, each day his son asked when his mommy was coming home and EJ hated not knowing the answer himself. The nights were extremely difficult, but EJ had tried his best to relay to his son that his mother was coming home one day. He showed Johnny Samantha's picture that he kept at his bedside and he spoke of his mother's unwavering love for him and each night it had broken his heart to hear his son pray for his mother's return.

EJ longed to pray for Samantha too and even put on an effort for his son, but he knew God wasn't going to hear him, much less answer his prayers. He had done too many terrible things already and he wasn't worthy to have his prayers answered because all he had wanted was to have a family with Samantha and that was something that was never going to come to fruition.

He felt Sydney shift and for a moment it was almost like he could believe she was his child with Samantha too and instantly he felt guilt come over him for thinking such things. It was just another reminder of what an awful person he was because he should be thinking of Nicole; she was Sydney's mother, not Samantha.

He just wished he could make himself stop wishing for things to be different. Samantha was out of his life and he needed to keep it that way. Nicole loved and wanted to marry him, not Samantha.

He leaned down and placed a kiss on Sydney's forehead and vowed he would try to do right by Nicole and hoped somehow the memories of Samantha would fade in time. They had to or he was going to slowly lose his mind,

If he hadn't lost his mind already because sadly he knew his heart was most definitley a lost cause. Samantha Brady had taken it from him from the moment he had laid eyes on her and no matter what he tried to do he couldn't reclaim it.


End file.
